New Doctor

I used to struggle to think of things to think about. Everyone would say, "I can't stop thinking when I'm in the shower, driving, running, etc." I never used to have that problem, like ever. I would STRUGGLE to think of things and would rather just listen to music or enjoy what was going on in that moment. I acted in the moment and didn't sweat the small stuff. That has since changed drastically as I've gotten older, and I'm obviously thinking ALL the time about a lot of different things. One resonating thought that I had this past week was: I felt this EXACT same way when my dad passed as I do now--How can my (and my family's) world come to a complete stop, while most everyone else's continues to go on?? I KNOW so many people are here for me and going through this with me (and I'm still SO thankful), but the world doesn't stop turning for anyone, life does in fact... GO ON. ...Even for me during this time! It's so crazy to me. There are times when I just forget that any of this is even happening. It's a refreshing feeling when that happens but then I'm usually smacked in the face again when I realize it is happening. I don't know if it will ever be natural to know I'm a "cancer" patient, especially when I feel normal. I know I'm not alone in any of this, but it's just weird that we all keep going to work, going out, going to the gym, preparing for the Holidays, etc. like nothing is happening... even. me.  This Saturday will be 1 year since Dad has passed. It's been a shit ass year and I'm looking forward to 2021. (No, that wasn't a typo.) I'm sure 2020 will be great, but probably not the BEST YEAR YET. Who knows though! I could pull a fast one on this cancer's ass and be done sometime in 2020. Hey, a girl can dream. 12/20/19-Genetic Test Results I HAD to go to get the results, but really I didn't even want to go. It seems so dumb to me to have to inconvenience my routine (lol) to go hear something I already was sure was 100% positive. (if this isn't a "Julia"-thing to say). Anyways-I went... They told me that I did test positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation. She told me that now my chance of getting breast cancer before 50 years old is now 53% higher then the average person and I should maybe consider a mastectomy or having kids sooner if I want them. I laughed it off, looked at her and said "yeah and 100% higher to get it before 25". We'll just leave that right there... So I will now most definitely be going through with a double mastectomy at some point. The doctors still have said this is put on the back burner for now, so I can see how my body responds to this treatment that we've already started.  This day was a big day-I also started oral chemo and hormone therapy. I meant to take a picture, but who really cares anyway. The combination of the pills make an exclamation point. Obviously because it will work!!! I haven't had many side effects really, except for the usual side effects of putting new chemicals in your body! YAY!  12/12/19-Second Opinion I met with another oncologist, so I am excited to have a second opinion! She gave me some more ideas of what could be a plan and why specific plan is happening now. It's still a lot to take in and comprehend. The oncologist and surgeon will be discussing recent findings soon and then I will continue to find out more.  I keep finding myself saying, "I want to be as aggressive as possible so I can be done sooner", but cancer has another plan. This isn't something you can rush and you do in fact need to give the meds time to work (crazy, right?). "Be patient"... Not a very easy task for a very 'Type A' person.  I also met with a therapist. I'm not telling you for you to actually know, but rather bring normalcy to therapy. I've always thought everyone should go and in the past year I've thought multiple times of going myself but, "could never find the time". Well, you make times for the things that matter and let me tell you, I will DEFINITELY be making time to go see her every few weeks. It makes a world of difference to talk to an outsider, no matter how many times or how many people you've told your story to. I feel like I had a fresh head just walking out of there on Thursday and being able to express any emotion that I wanted!  I'm excited that we have started something and we're making headway. Anyone who knows me, knows that this month waiting period will torture me. We have to wait a month to do anything much more to see if this is working. That's. A . Long . Time. So for now--we wait.